*Caution, this post contains excessive rant, emo contain*
"Set your goals beyond your grasp, but within your reach." -Anonymous
Have you ever felt like you're loosing control on your life, walked a path that you thought would be THE ONE, but suddenly bumped into a wall? And then you're just standing in front of this wall wondering why, try to pierce it through but in vain, you know you'll never see the light. You're hesitant to make a u-turn, but as you walk back, you can't stop looking at the wall and wonder "what the fuck happend? why did I fucked up?"
I did. And still am. If you didn't notice, the previous paragraph was a metaphor of how I felt and still feeling right now. If you read my blog, you might know that I ditched nursing and made a 360. Nursing was what I wanted, I was passionate about it but shit happens. You might like the program but the program might not like you. And it hurts to know that you will not be able to pursue what you like because you can't reach the standards that the school impose, or should I say "the program".
I've always been a model student, straight A's everywhere and everyone always thought I would have a brilliant future. So did I. Once I entered College, it was a whole new world. I wasn't able to get awesome grades anymore despite my hard work and my confidence took a toll. In my philosophy, when you're passionate about something, you should be one of the best or *at least* succeed in this area. When I saw that I wasn't able to, I kept pushing myself, saying that one day I'll make it, one day my effort will pay. Halas, where am I now? I'm changing program. It makes me sad to have to switch program because I wasn't failing my courses, I just didn't reach the expectations of my teachers in the clinicals. Ugh, it pisses me off. Real bad.
Everyone around me were so shocked when they knew I wasn't continuing in nursing. The funny thing is that almost everyone (friends + cousins + brother) knows that, expect for my parents. I don't have the damn guts to tell them because they are the only people in the whole wide world that I don't want to deceive. They have such high expectations from me that it makes me a *meow*. When I told my mom I would take one more semester to complete my program, she exploded with a whole load of crap. On a side note, I have VERY traditional chinese parents. Once you're into something, you're *kind of* not allowed to change. I love them to death but they are so uncomprehensive! My mom thinks that school is easy, she often tells me how she feels for me, how *SHE KNOWS* how hard it is for me, BUT HELL NO! If she went to College or uni, I wouldn't be so pissed *because then SHE WILL KNOW*. My dad went to school for a long time and knows how it feels like to have pressure on, because (even if he doesn't say it) he went through this. When we would be alone in the car, he would just ask me like what happened exactly, what are you planning to do next and would say alright. My mom is pretty the drama starter and I know that they care for me, they want me to have a better future BUT THERE'S A WAY TO TALK. TO SAY THINGS. AND NOT TO SHOUT RANDOM SHITS. It's so annoying sometimes that I just want to bang my head against the wall. Like BOOM, okay everything is fine now, let's move on. But life doesn't work like this.
Anyways, there are times when I feel really alone, even though I have some people to which I talk to because no one really understands my situation and there's nothing to do except wait. I've been accepted in my new program, but still, it's not me. It's not what I wanted to do, initially. Taking care of people was fun, talking with them made me grow and a simple thank you from the ones you cared for is so heart warming. I would literally make my day.But life doesn't always go your way, because she's a bitch. *SIGH*